another surprise

Yesterday's amazing alertness came to a crash today. I think Mama had another little stroke this morning. I'll be watching her these next few days to see what follows.

always guessing

Every day and night seem different. I thought we had a pattern going but just like the years of caring for infants, the pattern never lasts. After a lot of groggy and somewhat dreamlike behavior for several days, Mama seemed to really wake up last night. Don't expect it will last long and may not enjoy it but it is what it is.... Hmmmm, wonder what today might bring. Or should I say WHO?

crazy nights

Wow! the last two nights have been full of surprises. By day Mama is a mild mannered and helpless little old lady and by night she becomes assertive, commanding and defiant :-) It would be funny if it weren't so scary. I told Lib that if I were 6'1" and muscular it would work out fine. Since we are about equal in size and shape I can't manage her very well alone. We are going to have a new evaluation by home health nurses this week and get a little help from them.

new life

I have been here @ mama's house for 2&1/2 weeks. So far I don't regret the decision we've made to live here with her in order to bring her home but some days I am very restless. She seemed so grateful to get back here at first but is becoming more and more distant every day. It is likely the disorder itself as we have chosen not to force medication to keep her present. There is great reward in knowing the right thing to do and being free to do it but the rewards are mostly in the "knowing" since she shows almost no signs of appreciation most of the time. It is so much like caring for an infant. Although she may show great distress when unhappy she shows very little emotion of happiness. I pray every day for her to be freed from her discomfort and distress.

We enjoyed a leisurely Saturday together... out to breakfast, reading, thinking and talking. Spent a lot of the afternoon thinking about the kitchen remodel and flooring ideas for living room and hall. I really must get back to life. I mean life with other people. My summer has been filled with thoughts of KY and all that is changed there. Grieving my loss of Daddy, Mama's departure from reality, JoAnn's knee and bladder issues have kept me from being present here.

I am reading Kathleen Norris's book, Acedia & me, and it is bringing me much understanding of my condition over the last few years. Thinking a great deal about it and talking with Mike concerning the impact of a. and how to begin to overcome the power it has been wielding over my life.

Meanwhile, hoping to choose living over shutting down. Community over self-indulgence.

We've been home a week. It has been a week of alternately working to try and get the house in order and running away. Seems to be taking me lots of drawn out hours to do (stay at) the most simple and routine tasks. Mike brought home a book by Kathleen Norris on acedea and I have begun to comprehend what is wrong. Maybe I can begin now to take action to correct my steps and go in the right direction.

We got home from the beach last night and Mike left this morning for a motorcycle overnight. He is over in MS for the night. I'm doing as little as possible and in fact am in bed already. We are exciting people :-)